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As an expat living in Canada, the more I live here, the more I'm convinced I'm actually stuck in some kind of cryptic horror nightmare country that's subtly and slowly eating away at me.

You've been to America. This place also feels like America, but something is fundamentally off. You want to ask about it, but you know if you do, it sends the locals into a frenzy.

People speak of Calgary. You know people in Calgary. They speak of Edmonton, but no one outside of Calgary speaks of Edmonton. You're not sure Edmonton is a real place.

The roads in Canada are wide. You never see much traffic. The locals say that the roads need to be wide, though, because of what happens in the mornings. You decide to take night classes.

People speak about festivities in whispers. The days shorten. They begin setting up decorations and lights. The night grows longer and longer. They talk about how they look forward to "seeing their families again". The darkness and cold begin to grow uncomfortable.

You pass by a store. It's called Canadian Tire. They have many things, you've never seen any tyres. You realise they spell it differently here, and everyone thinks you're strange because of it.

Canadian Tire. You feel the same.

There are names in French. They look foreign, because they're in French. There are names in Algonquian. They look foreign, because they're in Algonquian. There are names in English. They look foreign, but they're still English.

The Prime Minister is democratically elected. You've heard of elections from other countries, but for some reason, never this one. People refer to him by last name but his first name sticks out in your mind. If he had a predaccessor, no one has ever mentioned them to you.

The Premiere looks like the President of America. He talks like the President of America. He has the same views as the President of America. People hate him like they do the President of America. He is not the President of America, though.

You want to move in. You ask someone about what the electricity bills are like. They ask you if you mean "hydro". You say you weren't talking about water, but electricity. They insist it's called "hydro". You accept this.

Many times you've been to the shore of Lake Ontario. The horizon seems very close and the water is the same colour as the sky. There are ships docked on the shore, but there is never anything sailing when you go.

You tell someone you've studied near London. They are confused, as they don't know any places near London. You realise they are not talking about the same London you are. No one talks about the same London you do.

People praise the coffee shop. They joke about the coffee shop. They say the coffee shop is central to their collective identity. You mention that you have been to the coffee shop before, and you liked it. The people are horrified. You decide not to visit the coffee shop again.

You tell the people, avoiding mentioning London, that you have studied in a town in Surrey County. They are still confused. Their Surrey is also not the same as yours.

You think about your time in England. You think about places you've been to you can speak of without confusing the locals. You've been to Westminster. Surely, they will know what you mean when you say Westminster.

There is an alarm in every room. It shrieks and screeches loudly every time you bake food or make toast. Your neighbour says it's normal, and it's to keep you safe, but they presume you already know what the alarm is keeping you safe from.

Everyone says the other language everyone speaks is French. When you walk down the street, though, you notice all the signs are in Chinese. You ask them again. They still tell you it's French.

You made a friend in the North. She is also an artist, but only draws in pink highlighter and ballpoint pen. She speaks of mind control. You find it amusing at first, but you realise you're incorporating her work into your art now.

You make a friend in the West. He has a Japanese name your recognise, but you've never met him before till now. You invite him over, and he brings a lot of bags for a one night stay. He never tells you what is in them, but you know better than to ask.

You make a friend in the South. He has told you, many times, what this place South is called, but you can never remember. When he tells you, he is always closer than you expect.

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@Kavaeric
OMG, I went with a school group to Montreal in 1988 and I practically lived in Chinatown when I didn't have to be with the rest of the class because that's the only place they spoke French 😂

@Kavaeric that bit about the previous... prime... minister... actually has got a rational explanation behind it, and no please do not speak of it ever again

@Kavaeric As an Edmontonian, I am also not sure Edmonton is a real place.

@Kavaeric I'm like that but I'm a Canadian living in America

@Kavaeric I've felt that way about the USA for the last 30+ years.

@Kavaeric hey I see your epic thread made the Big News™️ 🤣

nationalpost.com/news/canada/h

For what it's worth, I lived and studied in Edmonton for 5 years and I'm still not sure it exists. @ink_slinger seems to be real despite being from there so maybe it is just a different plane of existence.

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