hi i guess i should make this too
there's gonna be some dysphoria mentioned and other relatively heavy shit mentioned
i havent been a furry for very long, relatively, but ive had some thoughts about identity/transhumanism (for lack of a better word) since I was a kid, that's gonna be where i start i guess
it took me... a really long time to realize this, but i think ive always had dysphoria. i was never educated about trans people and never had any way of explaining the weird hateful feelings i had for my body, and it confused me a lot as a kid
i remember always, -always- yearning to have a different body, to be someone else. it's literally some of the earliest memories i have.
it was always in the back of my mind, growing up. i was bullied a lot and i agreed with a lot of it. it was 'what i deserved'. i never wanted to improve myself or look better, physically, because i didnt think anything would help
this kinda like, primal desire to not be in my body kinda directed me to furry sites. not even for like, furry stuff. i think my first forays into it were literally just searching like "changing body" on google.
this pretty fuckin quickly got me into TF stuff, and that affected me pretty deeply. i... got kinda obsessed with it when i was in my teens. a massive form of escapism. still had no way to explain my internal dysphoria so it was just
praying every night that some weird shit would happen. fantasizing about it. ANYTHING
but i was also in an environment where furries were "weird" and "hypersexual" and all of my friends (which were precious few) hated them
i kept up this facade for years. literal years. even after high school, none of my online friends knew any part of this about me. i was hyper paranoid about someone finding out, that i was a "weird furry"
i never made a fursona when i was younger. i couldnt. that'd be getting too attached. but indulging in this stuff, through other people if nothing else, was everything to me.
mmos were my other addiction. pretending to be someone else? in a body i could choose? yes please
undertale, ironically, broke me.
something in popular media that had furries in it, was wildly accepted.
i got super into the fandom, originally just because i liked the game, but it went a bit further than that
i wrote fanfiction. i got obsessed with the story. i was on 4chan for monthssss after the game came out in the general.
it made me start drawing, for christs sake
and after i met my gf through it, we made fursonas together, as a silly thing
it was massive for me
a few months after i hooked up with my girlfriend i decided to 'come out' to my friends. told them about the porn. showed them my fursona. everyone was accepting, it was very not-what-i-was-expecting.
i was happy for a while, but that self hate kinda still gnawed at me a bit? not nearly like it was, but there was still an unhappy little hitch in me
after being active in the furry fandom on twitter for a little bit i kinda started looking into trans/'sjw' posters
the unhappiness kept coming back, constantly. id get tired of a sona, want to change. felt like it was becoming too much like me, and i hated me
i met my girlfriend again on vacation in hawaii. i talked to her about some of my thoughts. on the flight back after two weeks, i decided to make a girl fursona
this was a big thing for me. like i was admitting something
and even after months, i dont have that same resentment, that same eventual hate
its helped me kinda deal with myself irl a bit? having a person who accepts me for who i am irl, and having a (mostly) marvelous community online that validates what i want to be, what i present as
helps a lot. i dont know where id be if i didnt eventually dive in
like i know a lot of my stuff seems super fetishy but. my sona development over the past year, ashii, sierra, secta, thats been a very important journey for me
despite whatever world building or what have you i do, my fursonas are me. theyre the shithead typing this right now. i wouldnt call it kin because i dont think i fit with that word but
yeah. its very personal.
it felt good to get some of this off my chest, i havent really vocalized it all out before like that
@ashiinu mmm, that was very beautiful and youre super valid in all of those feelings, thank you so much for sharing
@ashiinu thanks for typing all of that out! I bet it's therapeutic to explain all of your feelings in one go like that!
Makes me wanna write one up since you had the courage to!
@ashiinu Thanks for sharing all of that. It's good and important to talk about the journey we're on, and the more voices that join in, the more we understand our own paths.
Hey, thanks for sharing your journey. You're good and strong and I'm glad you've found your you
@ashiinu I've been where you are. I know how hard it is to start exploring a side of yourself you didn't even have the concepts for. And how valuable the fursona creation process can be as a way of experimenting with identity concepts to see which fits best.
You are valid, you are loved, and we're all with you wherever this journey takes you.
snouts.online is a friendly, furry-oriented, lgbtq+, generally leftist, 18+ sex-positive community that runs on mastodon, the open-source social network technology. you don't need a snout to join, but it's recommended!